I have friends that have a fashion business. They take indian inspired wear and sell it to everyone they meet. They market it with pictures of themselves because they’re gorgeous and they live a nomadic, the-world-is-my-oyster kind of life. The way they carry themselves and their confidence in the brilliance that lives within them is sexy, sensual and empowering.
I want to be free like that.
All my life I’ve loved movement. I danced in high school and acted. I was artsy. I’ve done yoga, dabbled in aerial yoga, and been given the chance to take several yoga teacher trainings. My body thanks me when I move, both inside and out. And so does my confidence.
But I’ve been sick. The past ten years have been a series of non-stop rocky relationships, and all of the heartache has taken a huge toll on me. Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally. I let it take a toll on me. I realized long ago that I was an extremely sensitive soul. For years I saw it as a crippling weakness.
Now, I want to see it as a superpower.
My gorgeous friends with their business are single. And they kind of love it. They’re sisters and they travel the world, almost constantly. As if designing fashion wasn’t glamorous enough, right? They embrace the goddess within themselves, which is something that goes on a lot within new age spirituality. I recently read a post where men said they wished women would quit calling themselves goddesses.
I’ve had boyfriends who literally thought I wasn’t supposed to have a bad mood ever. I wasn’t supposed to bounce back and forth between bliss and despair. I wasn’t supposed to go through moods when I was angry and frustrated with my creative muse. But now, I find myself on a solo journey. And while I am scared at the prospect, more than anything, I want to be open. I want to believe that I am a goddess.
So sometimes, I pull the tie from my hair. I shake it out and look at it wild around my shoulders, hints of purple showing through. (I have purple hidden streaks and piercings. One would think I’d already embraced my freedom.) I strip down to a tank top and underwear. And I dance around my house. I start by jumping on the bed, and I go wherever the feeling takes me. Somehow in those moments, all those growing pains seem worth it. All of those men who tried to get me to see that I really wasn’t that special, can go stick it. I feel the fire I used to feel when I was little. The fire that told me there were fairy tales to be made in the world and that I was a superhuman creator of fairy tales of my own.
I feel like I can fly in those moments.
But it gets put back into a little box and hidden when I go back out into the world. The minute I step outside that door the fire banks, and my brilliance dims just a little bit. The boys who claimed to love me always seemed to be a little bit uncomfortable with my shine and sparkle. I couldn’t be molded into exactly who they wanted me to be, so they had little use for me. Unless we were in the bedroom.
And then I realized that the archetype of the goddess, is that she doesn’t cater to every whim of every supplicant who crosses the threshold of her altar. She follows her own truth and her own heart. She doesn’t try to bend and become every aspect of what others project onto her. She is brilliant all on her own.
And now at 30…I feel like I simply cannot be so concerned with pleasing everyone. Because, in the end, while I feel that it felt good to help others feel good, I’ve ended up putting myself dead last every time. And when I’ve needed to lean others, they were too concerned about themselves to care. Now I’m ending that toxic pattern. It will take time, but every day I have less and less fucks to give. And I’m kind of proud of that. Once I realize how amazing I am, then I will find that balance between helping others and loving myself. But before I help any other drowning people, I’ve got to learn how to be an expert swimmer.
I’m not sure I’m always the most graceful goddess. I’m quirky, shy, awkward, and I make mistakes. But that’s wonderful. I try to be responsible and I try hard as hell to learn from those mistakes. But make no mistake, there is a goddess that lives inside of me. And it’s time that I learned to love her, embrace her, and tell her to go rule.
Create fairy tales in the real world.
I wish you all romance and whimsy
PS: the featured image for this post is of the amazing designers of GanJam Tribe whose fashion is eclectic and wonderful.