Two years ago, I was just focused on coming out. I had been bottling feelings up and hiding myself from any and everyone. I refused to acknowledge truths about myself that were absolutely, blatantly obvious, and in the process, I denied myself the joy of discovering who I am and loving every part of the brilliantly lit soul within me.
Needless to say, I was really sick then also.
I started a blog then just to get out of my own head. I started several, in fact. It was like i wanted and needed to be part of every single community platform out there. I need to meet everyone, or at least one someone who would be able to pull me back from the ledge. For a few months I swam through the wide communities to be found online, but not daring to make full contact with anyone really. Too afraid to accept that this was a real and actual step.
I wrote courageous blogs about the burgeoning revelations of my sexuality. I opened up about some of the turmoil that I was going through if even just a crack. Then…I lost my nerve. I allowed myself to be torn down and dragged back into an atmosphere of fearful silence by people that were more afraid of me than I was of myself. I allowed outside voices to determine who I might love because it made them feel more secure, meanwhile I suffered in silence and bared the brunt of the hurt and shame.
Recently, after I was again seriously ill, I realized that enough is enough. I gave myself a hard internal shake and slowly began to come to grips with two things. 1. That I find women to be the most attractive beings on the planet. They are filled with a magic and depth that leaves me breathless and aching in all of the best ways.
And 2. I love myself just as I am. I haven’t taken anything away from someone else by acknowledging who I am. I have simply accepted all of me. I have become more full because of my realizations.
Each day that I reaffirmed those two things, I got more and more healthy. that was when I looked at my blog again.
I’ve been trying to revitalize it these days, but my focus isn’t simply on lesbian content. It is definitely part of who I am, but not all of it. The community that I have begun to find through blogging has been like a breath of fresh air. The calming touch at the end of a long day of playing masquerade. For at least the past five years, so much has been taken away from me, from my identity to all of the things that I loved. My writing has suffered, my love for all things musical has suffered. I can’t remember the last time I danced with abandon, and that is a sad, sad state of affairs.
So I blew off the cobwebs on my blog, and my former life and began to piece together the girl that had so many dreams of the future. The girl who believed in finding real, true, absolute love. I resurrected the woman who believed in romance. I realized that my thoughts, my ideas, my words might touch someone and bring them back from the edge just as I searched for someone to do the same for me. I’d love to say that I’m just an author trying to build an audience, but this experience has been so much more than that.
We write; and we heal each other as we do. We gain insight from others and empathize with their plights and burdens. We find those who resonate with us and share in our heart-song (not to sound overly hippie about it all). So I am a woman who loves women, no matter how timid I am when it actually comes to talking to one about the subject of romance in real life. And I am here to find the members of my tribe. To band with them however I can and re-learn what it means to live: healthy, full, and a little more free.