So let’s be frank…

My attractions are not a choice. I’m finally getting comfortable with the fact that my attraction to women isn’t anything that “I’ve done” to anyone, but something I came to this Earth with, along with brown hair, dark brown eyes and chronic short genes. I’ve been beating myself up for getting into a marriage knowing that I had all these hidden feelings that I didn’t bother telling anyone about because I was so selfish.

Let’s be honest: I got into this marriage with a wonderful man for all the best reasons and intentions. From our union came a wonderful little girl who tends to steal the heart of anyone she’s around for longer than five minutes. She’s intelligent, caring, compassionate and mellow. She doesn’t throw tantrums, she’s a night owl, but I would definitely take that in light of everything else that I could have had. She is by no means a high needs child. She’s a sassy little girl with such a bright spirit and she is my absolute world. If for nothing else, this was one of the best connections that I ever made. I’ve been making myself out to be a monster in my own mind, but really, all I wanted to do was make another person’s life happy. I wasn’t thinking about my own happiness back then. This may have been pitfall number one.

I’ve been thinking about how everything will possibly fall into place when I come from a rigid background, highly spiritual and very black and white on lots of things. This is right…and that is wrong. I now fall into the “wrong” category. How do I cope with that?

Let’s be real: I haven’t murdered anyone. I haven’t gone on a shooting spree, I haven’t stolen anything. I’ve never even tried drugs…or alcohol for that matter…or cigarettes. I was a dream child s far as I was concerned. I’m still a pretty del rounded adult I think. I feel like there are some decisions in my life that I could have made better, but who doesn’t think that? Who doesn’t feel like there are things they should have done better. That’s why they’re called lessons. But, I still view myself as a good person. I still love God just as much as I did yesterday. I still have the same relationship with him/her as I did the day before. Now I am just truly beginning to love myself. It’s a one day at a time journey but I am looking at my life and saying…I could be doing worse.

I don’t have to head to rehab for anything, I’m pretty healthy. I’ve been a vegetarian for years…and I’m not even the angry kind.

That’s been my deciding factor. I am a happy person, but recently I haven’t been happy person. I’ve been an angst filled person. I’ve been a person who has put my life on hold. I’ve been a person who instead of pursuing what really fulfills me, out of fear I’ve sat down and pursued nothing. That isn’t who I am. By denying myself I’ve been locking away all the parts that made me a unique exuberant person who has been a lifelong actor, writer, dancer, artist. I’m a person who sees life in vibrant HD color.

I think it’s time that I take out my rusty technicolor dream coat, and bring back my long forgotten motto: Anything is Possible.

About Avery Rose

I'm a 30-something year old living in my native New York...I adore the city, writing, books, tea, music, long walks and rainbows :) Aaaand What happens to a dream deferred? In my opinion it gets sucked up dry and spat out as a gnarled petrified mass of what the heart used to I'm also coming out as a writer who wrestles with questions of identity, reality, race and even sexuality. I'm having fun finally writing my own story. Feel free to help :)

One comment

  1. Hari Farkas

    Proud of you.

    Sent from my iPhone

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